I battle demons

Some days I feel perfect.
I feel amazing and I can conquer anything.

Other days I feel under siege.
Something inside my brain is attacking me, it’s hard to stay focused.

Today is one of the latter days.

I haven’t been battling with depression, or anxiety.
I have been battling them both.

Today should have been like any other day, but I woke up and everything is wrong.
For some reason, all of the little negative voices inside decided to launch missiles, en masse, on my poor unsuspecting psyche.

At first I am usually anxious about nothing at all.
My brain will try to make sense of things, and it’ll try to find something to be anxious about.

If it finds something, anxiety will go into overdrive.
I fight my hardest against allowing my brain to find something.

But the problems don’t stop there because if my brain isn’t meant to be at peace that day, more assaults will take place.

And then the depression kicks in. I feel the brain working hard to stay on track, it becomes overwhelming and I start to feel alone.
I listen to the negative voices and criticism and I find myself in a dark place.

I don’t give up. I fight back.
And then I get anxious again. Anxious that this will never end.
Anxious about all of the negative emotions trying to overwhelm me.
Anxious about all the people I fear I’m failing.

It will not end until I put this day to rest and fall asleep.
I pray that I’ll wake up to a better day tomorrow.

In between battling the negative thoughts in my head, I’m going to remember that this is ultimately a victory.
Previously, I wouldn’t be talking about this battle.
Because there wouldn’t have been anyone to battle on my behalf.

I wouldn’t have been strong enough to fight back.
It would have taken only one successful strike to knock me down for months.

But now there is a battle. And I am strong. And I won’t give up.
And tomorrow will be a brighter day.