I’m fighting the demons in my head

You might think, why don’t I tell friends?

I can’t. I don’t wish to pour my issues on to people. I appreciate the friendship. I don’t want to lose it by being such a baby, by being a person who is always assaulted by mental issues. So much so that I appear to be sad every day.

I wish I could tell them. I want to tell them. I want to tell them that every day, I feel like killing myself.
There is never a day where I wake up happy. I wake up sad. I wake up wishing that I didn’t. I wake up wondering what life will throw at me.

The only people who help me push on are my kids, and my friends. I truly don’t know what I would do without them.

That’s why i am so afraid of losing them. Losing the only things keeping me sane.

God I wish I could just tell them what’s wrong with me without people judging me badly.

Not good enough

It’s what I am. I’m not funny enough, not smart enough, not good enough. I’m never anything enough. I really wish I was one of those. Maybe I just need to be better. Maybe I just shouldn’t care. Maybe I should just stop trying to be everything I’m not. No I bet no one reads this and I wish I could say that I don’t care, but I do. Mental issues are painful, man.

I battle demons

Some days I feel perfect.
I feel amazing and I can conquer anything.

Other days I feel under siege.
Something inside my brain is attacking me, it’s hard to stay focused.

Today is one of the latter days.

I haven’t been battling with depression, or anxiety.
I have been battling them both.

Today should have been like any other day, but I woke up and everything is wrong.
For some reason, all of the little negative voices inside decided to launch missiles, en masse, on my poor unsuspecting psyche.

At first I am usually anxious about nothing at all.
My brain will try to make sense of things, and it’ll try to find something to be anxious about.

If it finds something, anxiety will go into overdrive.
I fight my hardest against allowing my brain to find something.

But the problems don’t stop there because if my brain isn’t meant to be at peace that day, more assaults will take place.

And then the depression kicks in. I feel the brain working hard to stay on track, it becomes overwhelming and I start to feel alone.
I listen to the negative voices and criticism and I find myself in a dark place.

I don’t give up. I fight back.
And then I get anxious again. Anxious that this will never end.
Anxious about all of the negative emotions trying to overwhelm me.
Anxious about all the people I fear I’m failing.

It will not end until I put this day to rest and fall asleep.
I pray that I’ll wake up to a better day tomorrow.

In between battling the negative thoughts in my head, I’m going to remember that this is ultimately a victory.
Previously, I wouldn’t be talking about this battle.
Because there wouldn’t have been anyone to battle on my behalf.

I wouldn’t have been strong enough to fight back.
It would have taken only one successful strike to knock me down for months.

But now there is a battle. And I am strong. And I won’t give up.
And tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Useless

It’s annoying when you know you have tried your best and it still isn’t good enough.

Nothing

Nothing scares me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again.

Change for the better

1. noun A change (as in, e.g., circumstance, disposition, a situation, etc.) that ultimately leads to or results in a more positive situation or outcome.

Change for the better, be the person that people can look up to. A person who can look back and say: “Yep, I changed for the better”
But what if the person who you changed for, doesn’t?

Would you feel that it’s unfair? That why others can’t change if you did your best to change?

I changed from being a hot-headed, angry person to someone who is a little hot-headed, but a lot calmer and patient.
I changed from being a person who would get angry when people cut me off to someone who’ll go “meh”, and let them be.
Where I would get angry over the smallest things and rage for hours previously, now I just cool off and tell myself that it’s not worth it.
I do still get triggered by assumptions, and certain characters, so there’s that. I’m only human, bite me.

I’m changing to be a better person.

Stop telling me to change when I am already on my way there. You should change yourself instead. Remember, when you point a finger at me, three more are pointing back at you.

Not all relationships bring you joy

When I was a teenager, spending every night on MSN (WHOAAAAAAA), it would have seemed impossible to have too many friends. How could I, the super cool creature whose blog you are reading, have too many people (who actually like me!) in my life?

So ungrateful, right?

But the truth is that while I can try to keep up with having many friends, I got burnt out and realised that I needed to tidy up my friends. This is what I did:
Continue reading “Not all relationships bring you joy”