I miss you. I miss telling you about every single stupid thing that happens in my life. I miss the way people would ask me where you were when you weren’t with me because it was a known fact that we were a packaged deal. I miss laughing with you and all of our inside jokes. I miss sending you messages from the toilet. I miss looking over at you and knowing exactly what you are thinking. I miss knowing that at the end of the day I had you, that when push came to shove, no matter how bad the situation might be, I knew you would be there.
I miss my person, my other half and my best friend.
I hate that I don’t know how to answer the question “Where is xxx?”, because I genuinely don’t know. I hate that our once free flowing and natural conversations now seem to be filled with awkward silence and formal “how-do-you-dos”. I hate that your face, one that I was so used to seeing, is now just another face in the crowd. I hate that we can go for months at a time without talking and yet we don’t feel anything.
I’m mad at myself for letting our friendship become this far gone. What happened? How did I not see this coming? How did I not feel ourselves starting to drift? I am mad for not fighting harder for the friendship that we had. It wasn’t like most friendships. It was the kind of friendship that neither of us could have anticipated coming to an end. It was us against the world, and now it is nothing.
I am mad for letting it become nothing but a collection of memories.
I’m sad because I don’t even know where to go from here. I don’t know what there is to be said. Nothing really happened to make it change, so how do I fix it? How do I make this horrible yearning for you go away? How do I shake the dreadful feeling of knowing that you are no longer just a message away?
How do we find a way to fall back together just as easily as we fell apart?
I’m scared that it cannot be fixed and that maybe we weren’t supposed to be forever. I’m scared that from here on out, you will not be a part of my life. I’m scared that when I am with friends, you will not be one of them. That when I’m upset and I need someone to just be there, I won’t see you. That when I see you among the faces in the crowd, it will hurt just as badly then as it does now to find that we won’t even acknowledge each other.
But what I’m most scared of is that you don’t even care at all. I am scared that maybe you haven’t noticed my absence in your life or that maybe you have, but it just doesn’t matter to you. I am scared that you have already replaced me. I am scared that you don’t look back on our friendship as fondly as I do. I’m scared that our lack of a future doesn’t hurt you just as badly as it hurts me.
I’m scared that you don’t miss me as much as I miss you.
However, even if that is the case, I will never give up hope that we will find our way back to each other, no matter how unlikely that seems. I will never stop caring about you and wishing you well in life. I will silently smile from a distant sideline as you go out into the world and kick some ass. You will always hold a special place in my heart even though I may no longer hold one in yours.
I will never stop looking back on our friendship fondly and will always only have kind things to say.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing is for certain, I will never find another friend like the friend I found in you. Thank you for everything. I miss you more than you could ever possibly know.
All the best,